So I started writing something totally different that I had planned for this post, and then I realized I was having a very blah day so I did some yoga and meditation. When I was done, I had so many thoughts and figured I should just start writing and put it into a post!
Growing up dancing my whole life, exercise was never something I ever had to even think about, but now that I switched programs, I don’t dance everyday. This means that for the first time ever, physical activity isn’t just build in to my life. I figured that I would just start going to the gym this year, but it turns out it’s just not that easy for me.
I think the environment of last year, subconsciously took a toll on my relationship towards my body. I started feeling like I wasn’t doing enough to keep my body looking the way I wanted it to look but I also wasn’t enjoying forcing myself to go to the gym, it was feeling more like a punishment to myself. I physically did not enjoy it, and I also just felt like I had no idea what I was doing. So since the start of this year I’ve just been figuring out how I can feel good about my body again using a form of exercise that I enjoy and can stick to. It’s really important to me to do things that I enjoy rather than dragging myself to do things I’m dreading, especially after choosing to switch programs.
So after today’s yoga practice and meditation, I realized that yoga IS a work out. Just because I won’t be running on a treadmill, lifting weights, or doing crunches, doesn’t mean it doesn’t count. Not only do I not hate it, but I actually enjoy it, and I feel good doing it!
I now feel like there are just too many negitive connotations in my mind, with going to the gym, at least for the time being. So this is me trying to find an alternative that I don’t feel bad about. It is obviously a totally different dynamic, because working out in a typical sense, is super physical, whereas yoga is very much connected to the mind and soul. I know that going to the gym and doing a typical work out has that same connection for some people, but it just doesn’t for me. Yoga is gentle on my body and mind, it is enjoyable and peaceful and it makes me happy.
I’ve also been learning that yoga is a very open practice, and it’s nice to know that I can always make it my own and do what feels good depending on what my body needs. Every time I practice, I learn more and enjoy it more, and I think I’m coming around to accepting that yoga might just be my gym, and that is A ok.
In this post I’m gonna talk about my 2019 words and experiences, and then my words and goals for 2020!
So in my last post I mentioned that my 2019 words were learn, grow, and build. The obvious interpretation would be that I leaned a lot, grew a lot, and built...something? And while that’s all true, it runs deeper than that of course.
I honestly think I learned more about myself in the end of 2018 and all of 2019 than I ever have before. This was the year I moved out of my parents house, started university, met new people, and let go of many safety nets.
Moving out of my parents house honestly wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be, considering I’m pretty attached to them. But I know It was a good experience only because they supported me and helped me so much through the whole process, which I’m so thankful for. But having to rely more on myself than other people (like my parents) was a big learning curve for me. I’m a pretty independent person for the most part. I’m really good with cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, and all that but when it comes to physical company, emotional support, and early mornings (lol) I struggled. I had to learn to find ways to bring myself down from a panic attack without my mom, and to wake myself up early in the mornings (which is really hard for me).
Starting university was exactly what I expected and also not at all what I expected all in one. I’m forever grateful for the lessons I learned and the strength I gained..but FUCK it was hard. I was honestly miserable in my program and for a while I fought the fact that I needed to be doing something that would fulfill me much more. So I FINALLY switched programs after a summer of racking my brain over it, and I couldn’t be happier. But it took so much for me to actually get here.
Something I’m most proud of is that I’ve learned to manage my anxiety and phobias in ways I never imagined possible 2 or 3 years ago. It’s hard to acknowledge the progress when it’s something I still deal with every day, but man I’ve come far. I’ve also been working really hard on constant self-reflection which can be hard because it forces you to come face to face with all your flaws, but it’s so worth it. Journaling, meditating, sharing, all of it. I’ve been so focused on my internal self that now the exact second I start feeling something in my body (physical or emotional) I know exactly what it is, what’s causing it, and what to do. I think it’s slightly obsessive (cause i’m me) but it also settles me a lot to feel such control over myself.
I learned to be independent in ways I never thought possible for myself, I grew SO MUCH more than I was expecting, and I built up so much strength. I feel secure going into a new year and decade because I feel like all of these experiences are my weapons against whatever curve balls get thrown at me this year. It sounds weird but it’s the truth! I’ve never really understood how people would gain strength through tough times until this past year, but I’m better because of it.
This year, I’m more excited, and less fearful!!
2020 will be about gratitude, discovery, and intention.
Gratitude has become a constant in my life, it feels like a religion to me. Showing gratitude to others and to the universe, brings me peace and comfort, because I need to acknowledge and appreciate how truly lucky I am for the life I live. This year I want to feel gratitude through all things, not just the good.
I want to discover EVERYTHING. It’s overwhelming when I think about how much of the world is undiscovered, so this year I NEED to start discovering. I also want to discover every truth about myself, so I will continue to self reflect with every chance I get.
Lastly, intention. This year I want to do all things with intention. I haven’t fully unpacked this one yet, but thoughtfulness has become very important to me recently, so I’m just going with it!
Wow ok that was a long one SORRY, and thanks if you’re still reading :)))
I really enjoyed writing this one so I hope it was enjoyable to read!
First post of 2020!!
So ya it’s a new year, and i’m excited!
A new year comes with new things, which is exciting but I also have to confess that I have some issues with new years. The thing is, the expectations are just SO HIGH!! And don’t get me wrong new years is fun and all, but think about all the pressure we put on ourselves to party hard on NYE, to have kick ass resolutions, to let go, start fresh, and so much more. Like “new year, new me” is so toxic it should be banned from our vocabulary. We’re literally pushing ourselves to magically become new versions of ourselves after a super hyped up countdown... it’s wild. I also know I’m overly sensitive about this because when it comes to days with expectations as high is these, my anxiety skyrockets, and I know everyone is different but I’m sure more often than not, people feel a ton of pressure leading up to NYE.
I know it probably sounds like I hate the day but I actually look forward to it! I know...it’s backwards. But hear me out, new years can be positive if we change our approach.
I think it’s just really important to remember that just because it’s a new year, it doesn’t mean everything changes... you do you!
Never feel obligated to put on a sparkly dress, get drunk, and kiss someone random after the countdown JUST because it’s a new year.
Don’t think that in the morning you have to drink a green juice, go for a run, and listen to a podcast unless you genuinely want to!
Don’t make “resolutions” you know you won’t stick to just to let yourself down and feel shitty. It’s really all a social construct!
Personally I don’t make “new years resolutions” because I don’t believe in doing something differently just because it’s January 1st. I always strive to be and want to be a better version of myself no matter what day it is. I constantly hold myself accountable and therefore I believe I evolve daily, not just starting on January 1st.
Instead of resolutions I like to use a cluster of words to embody while leading myself into the new year. I believe it is more important to grow all around as a person in the new year rather than forcing myself to give up cookies or something random like that (no thanks, I’ll keep my cookies).
So for 2020 I chose the words: gratitude, discover, and intention.
My next post will be all about my 2019 words and how I applied them and learned through them, and how I plan to do the same this year, with my new words! So stay tuned :)
Thanks for reading,
I'm Maddi and Im a full time student (studying Child and Youth Work), and a self proclaimed content creator. Here I have my blog and my shop, I hope you enjoy!