2019 was wild

We back!
In this post I’m gonna talk about my 2019 words and experiences, and then my words and goals for 2020!
So in my last post I mentioned that my 2019 words were learn, grow, and build. The obvious interpretation would be that I leaned a lot, grew a lot, and built...something? And while that’s all true, it runs deeper than that of course. 
I honestly think I learned more about myself in the end of 2018 and all of 2019 than I ever have before. This was the year I moved out of my parents house, started university, met new people, and let go of many safety nets. 

Moving out of my parents house honestly wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be, considering I’m pretty attached to them. But I know It was a good experience only because they supported me and helped me so much through the whole process, which I’m so thankful for. But having to rely more on myself than other people (like my parents) was a big learning curve for me. I’m a pretty independent person for the most part. I’m really good with cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, and all that but when it comes to physical company, emotional support, and early mornings (lol) I struggled. I had to learn to find ways to bring myself down from a panic attack without my mom, and to wake myself up early in the mornings (which is really hard for me). 

Starting university was exactly what I expected and also not at all what I expected all in one. I’m forever grateful for the lessons I learned and the strength I gained..but FUCK it was hard. I was honestly miserable in my program and for a while I fought the fact that I needed to be doing something that would fulfill me much more. So I FINALLY switched programs after a summer of racking my brain over it, and I couldn’t be happier. But it took so much for me to actually get here. 

Something I’m most proud of is that I’ve learned to manage my anxiety and phobias in ways I never imagined possible 2 or 3 years ago. It’s hard to acknowledge the progress when it’s something I still deal with every day, but man I’ve come far. I’ve also been working really hard on constant self-reflection which can be hard because it forces you to come face to face with all your flaws, but it’s so worth it. Journaling, meditating, sharing, all of it. I’ve been so focused on my internal self that now the exact second I start feeling something in my body (physical or emotional) I know exactly what it is, what’s causing it, and what to do. I think it’s slightly obsessive (cause i’m me) but it also settles me a lot to feel such control over myself. 

I learned to be independent in ways I never thought possible for myself, I grew SO MUCH more than I was expecting, and I built up so much strength. I feel secure going into a new year and decade because I feel like all of these experiences are my weapons against whatever curve balls get thrown at me this year. It sounds weird but it’s the truth! I’ve never really understood how people would gain strength through tough times until this past year, but I’m better because of it. 

This year, I’m more excited, and less fearful!! 
2020 will be about gratitude, discovery, and intention. 
Gratitude has become a constant in my life, it feels like a religion to me. Showing gratitude to others and to the universe, brings me peace and comfort, because I need to acknowledge and appreciate how truly lucky I am for the life I live. This year I want to feel gratitude through all things, not just the good. 
I want to discover EVERYTHING. It’s overwhelming when I think about how much of the world is undiscovered, so this year I NEED to start discovering. I also want to discover every truth about myself, so I will continue to self reflect with every chance I get. 
Lastly, intention. This year I want to do all things with intention. I haven’t fully unpacked this one yet, but thoughtfulness has become very important to me recently, so I’m just going with it!

Wow ok that was a long one SORRY, and thanks if you’re still reading :)))
I really enjoyed writing this one so I hope it was enjoyable to read!
Love, Maddi